illequipped: (boy he look)
emil västerström ([personal profile] illequipped) wrote2019-09-25 06:39 am
ilves: (207)

action; post-bunniculalli... thank god you're still using this inbox pic

[personal profile] ilves 2019-10-27 11:52 pm (UTC)(link)
[It isn't as if Lalli is avoiding Emil.

Not... really, anyway. Not after the fog is taken care of and the city settles back into a normal-ish routine, because hey, that means that they can settle back into a normal-ish routine—and they do! Fairly easily, all things considered, and yet there's still? Something? That Lalli can't quite put his finger on? That uncomfortable twinge in his chest every time his eyes drift down to Emil's wrist, catching sight of those scabbed-over puncture wounds that he—he!—caused. Hmm.

...Hmm. So perhaps he wakes up a tad earlier than he necessarily needs to, all so he can slip away before Emil wakes up; perhaps he stays out a tad later than he necessarily should, all so he has barely enough time to poke at his dinner before it's time to crawl beneath his bed. He still sees Emil. He still talks (re: listens) to Emil. They still spend time together; there's just, you know, a giant Troll lurking behind them, and after spending the better part of a week trying (and failing) not to think about it...

Well, he's fairly certain he knows how to get rid of it, even though it's awkward and uncomfortable and puts everything squarely on his shoulders. Ugh. It's official: Lalli doesn't like it at all—but Emil is undeniably important, which is why, after a good deal of internal hemming and hawing, Lalli decides that today is the day to trudge back to the barracks at a relatively normal time. Emil is presumably somewhere around here, yes? Time for Lalli to poke his head around the corner of whatever room Emil is in and just... blink at him. Hi. Hello. Please notice him... and say something to break the oddly oppressive silence of Lalli's own making...
]
ilves: (59)

[personal profile] ilves 2019-10-29 10:58 pm (UTC)(link)
[He is indeed back—and now that Emil has spoken to him, he sidles into the room, ignoring the not-so-quiet voice in his mind urging him to, like, disappear back down the hallway. It's only Emil! And he only has two little words he needs to say to Emil, but as he takes in his friend's smile, his eyes immediately slide over to his stupidly bright sweater. The Twinge...]

Mmh.

[So that's where his sweater is supposed to go, huh? Great. Noted. But as he brings a hand up to absently rub at the side of his neck—]

...Are you done?

[He can always come back... later! This is definitely Lalli being considerate (HA!) and not Lalli looking for an Out.]
ilves: (192)

[personal profile] ilves 2019-10-29 11:50 pm (UTC)(link)
[Embrace the sweater, Emil! It's here to stay. Anyway: Sitting with Emil sounds both comfortable and uncomfortable, somehow, but it's undoubtedly better than standing face-to-face. At least he can look straight ahead while they're sitting beside one another, you know... it's the little things...

...So he's just going to remain right here by this door, thanks.
]

Yes. But— [A pause as he glances around the room, taking in the bed and, what, one (1) chair? Living fancily they are not.] Not here.

[Why not follow him instead? Out into the hallway, but don't worry; rather than jet the fuck away, he makes sure to remain only a step or so in front of Emil as he silently leads him to—you guessed it!—the cozy bench in front of the fire. This is their spot! No one else is allowed to sit here.

But while Lalli is being awfully (and awkwardly) quiet, he does blink back at Emil to see if this spot is good to go. Can he drop on this bench or nah...
]
ilves: (218)

[personal profile] ilves 2019-10-30 12:23 am (UTC)(link)
[The fire is nice; the fact that no one ever wants to hang out in this space, however, is its real selling point, and Lalli takes a moment to appreciate the silence as he settles next to Emil. What if he stretches his legs out in front of him and they just... sit here without saying a single thing...

...Except that it's Emil he's dealing with, and Emil always feels the need to say something. Lalli should be grateful that Emil is willing to continue making effort after conversational effort? And he is, in a way, but that doesn't stop that quiet pfh from escaping him as he looks back over Emil's way. So? Soooooooo?
]

You're being weird.

[So sayeth the one who's been weird(er than normal) for an entire! Week! And he sayeth this because it's easier than realizing—or admitting—that he's the reason for the current weirdness, but... just hold on, Emil. He's working up to it.]
Edited (it's... its... i am ashamed) 2019-10-30 00:23 (UTC)
ilves: (can i go back to numbers... 289)

[personal profile] ilves 2019-10-30 01:28 am (UTC)(link)
[...Hmm. So this... is not the ideal start to this conversation? Even Lalli, an Idiot, realizes this, because Emil's response is—well. It would have been better if Emil snapped back at him. It would have been nice to have an excuse to be all huffy, because that's an easier thing to deal with than this reminder that Emil is consistently... good to him. A real friend.]

Aha. [Then Emil should have just asked, Lalli thinks, but for once he doesn't say it. He has other things on his mind; it's why he looks back at the fire, frowning lightly as he considers how, exactly, to properly answer that not!question. His day was...] ...Long.

[Long and lonely, even though Lalli generally enjoys running about by himself. And you know, if he's being honest with himself, the past seven or so days have all felt long and lonely—and this trend is sure to continue if he doesn't fix this problem right here, right now, which is why he sighs before shifting his attention back to Emil. Nothing in life is easy! He knows this! And the longer he draws this particular thing out, the more difficult it becomes, so what if he just... holds a hand out between them? Palm up. Expectant.]

Give me your hand.

[The one attached to the wrist he CHOMPED ON, which he communicates by pointedly glancing down at it. Surely he's not making this situation any weirder.]
ilves: (213)

[personal profile] ilves 2019-10-30 01:56 am (UTC)(link)
[This is a test, and Emil failed! No, no. Even though Lalli is, um, vaguely aware that this is Strange—that he's venturing into unknown territory here—he still reaches out for Emil's hand, wrapping spindly fingers around his wrist so he can turn his friend's forearm just so. ...Ah, but he didn't account for Emil's stupid sleeve. Soon this becomes a two hand operation, with Lalli balancing Emil's turned hand in his palm of his own as he uses his other to push that sleeve up. He needs to see...

...Well. He needs to see those pale, barely visible marks in Emil's skin for Reasons, hence his simple explanation:
]

Looking.

[At the damage he caused. No, these aren't the worst wounds anyone has been forced to deal with. Yes, Emil has certainly suffered worse—but he suffered these particular wounds because Lalli lost control, a Twinge-inducing thought that prompts him to slide his hand back down Emil's forearm, to lightly brush a thumb over those two spots.]

...It hurt.

[It's a flatly spoken fact, but he glances back up at Emil for... confirmation? Acknowledgment.]
ilves: (197)

[personal profile] ilves 2019-10-30 02:28 am (UTC)(link)
[They can understand one another just fine these days, it's true, but short sentences are easy to put together when he's uncertain and/or uncomfortable—and boy, if this isn't entire situation isn't peak uncomfortable! There's nothing fun about looking down at the evidence that he chomped the shit out of his one and only friend? At this reminder that he, again, lost control of himself, which is a thing he is never, ever allowed to do. He's supposed to be better than this? He's not the one with the weak mind...

So you know, maybe this song and dance is more for Lalli than it is for Emil! Maybe so. He'd like to be able to look at Emil without feeling like he doesn't deserve to, for whatever reason, so as nice as it is to hear Emil say that it doesn't hurt now? Nah. Lalli slowly shakes his head, because that... doesn't matter.
]

But it did. Because of me. [Emil just fuckin' said as much—but damn, but if saying that out loud doesn't sting! Ugh.] I did this to you, and I—

[I wish you would have left me when I told you to? I wish you hadn't been so stupid? He could deflect this... in all manner of ways, just like he always does; after all, it's easier to be annoyed than admit that he's done a Bad Thing, but while he feels that familiar frustration bubbling within him as he looks down at those puncture wounds... well! Well. Okay. His friend deserves an honest effort here, so it's time for two soft, simple words:]

I'm... sorry.

[And when was the last time he apologized to someone? Whew. Please appreciate this gargantuan effort.]
ilves: (167)

[personal profile] ilves 2019-11-01 02:15 am (UTC)(link)
[At the end of the day, apologizing... doesn't do much? Or it shouldn't, anyway, because what's more important is understanding why he, of all people, made a mistake—and making sure that he never, ever makes such a mistake again. That's just good sense!

And yet it's amazing how saying two (2) stupid words makes Lalli feel... hmm. Well. I's a complicated thing, you know? Like, he is, and always will be, annoyed that Emil remains willing to take stupid, stupid risks; he is, and always will be, frustrated with himself for losing control this one time, but it's still oddly nice to hear Emil say that this... apology wasn't a wasted effort. He did the right thing. This Very Important Person forgives him, even though he absolutely shouldn't. Whew.

...Whew. Yes, he feels that weird, friendly... whatever that gesture is, but give him a second here to just, like? Deflate? To contemplate how he feels (barely) lighter for no reason whatsoever. Sorry he's focusing on that and not the fact that he's still holding onto Emil's arm, because hey, he can only think about so many things at once. He's not even going to remember to say you're welcome...
]

Hm. [A thoughtful-ish hum, then, before he weighs his words and settles for the easy-yet-complicated truth.] ...I am, too.

[He really IS glad that he spoke up, and is it any wonder he sounds mildly surprised about that. It's wEIRD! Another thing that's fine specifically because Emil is involved.

Anyway, all of this emotional labor... was taxing! Whoa! He can't even muster the energy to call Emil stupid... like, what if he just never speaks again...
]